Today R2M is sharing a chapter from “Miscarriages My Story.” Indie Author and Blogger, Kathleen Smith, shares a personal account of her three miscarriages and how her emotions varied with all three. Although Kathleen doesn’t discuss this in the chapter below, her second miscarriage baby was due around Christmas. If you are struggling this New Year’s I pray you find comfort in her words. Holidays can be such a difficult time for so many women. Just remember you are never alone (Matthew 28:20). For more information about Kathleen scroll to the end of the blog for more information. – Traci
A chapter from Kathleen’s Book, “Miscarriages My Story”:
In the past seventeen years the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9 have become more real to me. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” As my husband and I grew our family, I experienced three miscarriages. One of the most difficult aspects of the experience was being around friends and family afterwards. My friends would come up to me and they would all ask the same question, “Are you okay?” My first response to that was: “yes, I’m okay” or “I’m fine,” but in reality I wasn’t okay or fine. What I wanted to do was shout out, “no, I’m not okay!” I wanted to tell them how much I was hurting, but because some of them have never experienced a miscarriage themselves they would not have understood. I wasn’t even ready to speak to those that did understand.
There was almost an awkwardness about the question because some of my friends didn’t know what else to say to me in the beginning. They wanted to help, but there wasn’t anything they could do for me. They thought they should be talking with me about it or maybe even giving me a hug because they didn’t get it. I did accept the hugs; I didn’t want to, but didn’t want to be rude either.
During this time I was able to depend on my husband, and on God for help and support. Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times; ye people pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.” Truly God was a refuge for me at that time.
There was a point when my friends and family members would call me to see how I was doing. Every time the phone rang I thought to myself, “not again.” I didn’t want to answer the phone and talk to anyone, so I used to let the answering machine pick up. Sometimes I listened to what they said and sometimes I left the room before they had the chance to even leave the message.
My friends and family needed to understand that they needed to give me some time and space to deal with my loss and eventually they got the message and didn’t talk to me about it.
The hardest part, though, for me at that particular time of my life was when I was going through my second miscarriage. My friend was pregnant with her first and all was going well for her, but not me. I had such a hard time being around her. I avoided her like a plague. I couldn’t be in the same room with her and, when that couldn’t be avoided, I just didn’t look at her in that room. Whether she was uncomfortable around me at that time or not, I don’t know. There was no way for her to be able to sympathize with me since she never had a miscarriage of her own. I didn’t talk to her for months; in fact, I didn’t start talking with her until sometime after her baby was born.
Whether she realized what was going on or not, I have no idea. It was something I had to deal with and I saw no reason to clue her in on what was happening. I think that maybe for some women the opposite can happen and maybe the women who are still pregnant might feel awkward around their friends who have had the miscarriage and won’t talk to them. Either way, I think only time can heal those wounds. I experienced this myself; I no longer feel like avoiding people who I previously felt uncomfortable around.
I have found over the years, whether talking with friends that I met after I had my miscarriages and had no idea that I had them, or talking with people in general about having families, eventually these two questions would always come up. I would either be asked, “do you wish you had had more children?” or “do you regret not having any more children?” I always answer the same way. “Yes, sometimes I wish I had more”, or “Yes, sometimes I regret not having any more.” I usually wait a minute, debating whether or not I should say anything about my miscarriages and then I decide to say something, figuring it can’t hurt. I end up telling the people that, technically, I have been pregnant six times. The response is usually the same. They give me a bit of a shocked look and don’t know what to say, so they generally say: “Oh.”
Things always feel a bit awkward after that. I don’t know why. People react to that one word “miscarriage” like it’s a curse or a disease or a sin. In reality, it is none of the above. Unfortunately, though, it is something that does happen and it happens a lot. There is nothing to be embarrassed about either. It’s something that I don’t mind talking about.
At times, it does bother me when I get that look of surprise from people who find out for the first time that I had three miscarriages and other times I sort of feel like just hiding under a rock or running away so I don’t have to deal with it, but it is something that needs to be dealt with and people need to understand that it is a painful topic at times. One that I am willing to talk about and answer questions if I have the answers. Although I must say it would be nice just once not to get that reaction from people, mainly women, when they find out that I did indeed have three miscarriages.
My husband is always reminding me, “God will not give you any more than what you can deal with.” I guess God thought I could deal with my three miscarriages better than some other women could. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought the same about other women as well who have gone through having a miscarriage. Again, I can’t tell you why He let me go through my miscarriages; it is possible that He did it to test me and to see if I would actually go towards Him and lean on Him or if I would turn my back on Him. He did, however, get me through them all with my husband. It did take quite a while for me to get through them emotionally, but He most definitely did get me through it all. I know He can do the same for other women. He can and will get other husbands and wives through this together as He did for my husband and me. We had to let God work in and through the two of us as a couple and, when needed, as individuals. Other couples can do this too.
I didn’t give up on God because He never gave up on me or us as a couple. He was always on my side; I just needed to trust in Him. I know that is a big word: “TRUST,” but in the end it was all worth it and I did become happy again and content. With all things, it takes time. Believe it or not, the emotional pain I was feeling went away with God’s help. I didn’t always understand, but when I put my trust in God he would take care of me.”
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.